Stefanie

2010 is a new start!

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 17:54:06 GMT

mark and i finally called it quits. i truly love him, but i also kinda hate him. we've been trying to make it work for so long and it really just isn't going to. he's a beautiful person, but our lives are just going in different directions. we've technically been broken up for like a month now, but we couldn't stop spending time together. i told him we have to not see each other or even speak now until i get over him. half-assing our relationship was just making me cling to the desperate hope that things would really work out someday. but really, i just need to move on. i still want to be friends, yes, but i can't see him again until i have moved on.

it's sad to be alone, even worse to have to separate yourself from someone you love, someone who has been such a big part of your life for so long. but now's the time to work on myself. i've completely let myself go and i'm not myself any more. i'm not happy with my life and it's time for me to change things. moving on from mark is the first step. being healthy, eating right and exercising is the next. then, transferring out to a school out of athens is the big one. finally in the fall i will be able to move on from this horrible town that just keeps bringing me down. it's time for a new city, new self, and new life. i'm a little scared, yes, but mostly excited. bring it on!

maybe things could work out with mark, maybe, down the line. not for a while, not for a couple years at least, but maybe eventually. neither of us were happy with our lives and i'm doing things to change that. if he ever wakes up and realizes he needs to change in order to make a better life for himself, then maybe we could move on with our new lives together. but i'm not waiting around any more for the little lost, insecure boy to figure things out. i hope for his sake he eventually does, cause he is a beautiful person.

no one will ever read this

Thu, 14 May 2009 05:37:54 GMT

i feel like i have no friends any more. aside from mark and westchester my friends all live in atlanta. well, jocelyn's here but i don't expect her to go through with plans well. any one else i could have hoped to hang out with is either out of the country or busy with school. this summer sucks. i'm so lonely and sad and bored. at least i have more hours at work next week. mark is frustrating. irresponsible. has no sense of how to spend money. i keep going through ups and downs with him. one day i'm so head over heels in love and i wanna get married. the next day i don't know why i'm still with him. i'm generally really sad. i've gotten super fat. huge. i've never been this big in my entire life. i keep trying to diet and think i'm doing well and then the new fat clothes i buy dont fit after a week or two. i just keep expanding. it's ridiculous. it's depressing. i'm lonely, bored, and fat. super. awesome. thanks, athens.

looks like i'm not the only one who forgot about lj

Tue, 05 May 2009 06:30:51 GMT

it's been awhile. guess i'm just too busy for this shit. maybe happier? i usually only come here to bitch. eh. well i'm here now cause i'm at mark's and he fell asleep and i don't feel like studying for finals.
so let's update: mark and i have been together for a whole year now. he moved in with westchester this past weekend. not nearly as bad as i expected it to be. and now he has internet. woots. after finals tomorrow i'll be done with this semester. so far i have all A's. work is lonely, but not so horrible any more. i guess i've adjusted.
i am excited about summer. well, about the freedom i guess. which is a shame really, cause i'll prolly waste most of my free time sleeping instead of cleaning, reading, exercising, etc. that i've been waiting to do. i'm not happy about this weather though. mark's AC is broken and i'm freakin sweating. hopefully it'll be fixed tomorrow. i hate being hot. hate it. makes me wanna just sleep all day. i don't like all the bugs the summer brings either. ick. i'm sure this summer will go by rather uneventfully and quicker than i want. at least i'll turn 21 in a little over a month. that should be exciting.
well, i guess that's all really. i'm betting no one will read this. and i might just never come back.

bitters

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:00:44 GMT

i hate this living in athens thing. and this juggling school and work crap too. i dont have time to do all the things i want. i've been eating really horribly b/c i'm always rushed. in the past year i've put on about 30-40lbs. it's ridiculous. i dont fit into any of my clothes. i feel awful about myself. i hate getting dressed every day. i dont feel sexy. and i'm pretty self-conscious. i hate it. i'm really trying to diet now, but it's hard. i'm hungry all the time and it's really hard to find something good to eat in a hurry. i'd like to exercise too, but i rarely have time to and when i do i'm usually too tired. i'm glad spring break is approaching so i wont have to do tests/essays, but i have 3 midterms next week. and then i have no real plans for spring break, but only got 14hrs at work. i need the money!!! urgh...bitch bitch.
i also hate how disconnected i feel right now. athens has completely severed my relationships in atlanta. no one aside from peter talks to me any more. no one wants to hang out or even just call. and i have very few friends in athens. i feel so alone. mark's such a boy and i get really frustrated when i try to talk to him about my feelings. he has nothing to say and it makes me miss my girlfriends SOOOO much. but i don't feel like any one cares any more. i hate being so distant.
but all i can do is focus on school and keep truckin. it sucks that i'm stuck in this situation, but i guess it's my own fault for fucking up at tech. i just have to hang on for two or three more years and i can go do my own thing. i just wish i could get out of athens sooner. :/

happy new year?

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:55:42 GMT

so i guess it's time to update and such. new year's eve sucked and it was strictly my own doing. my indecision always manages to get the best of me. i spent midnight alone, in my car. mcdonalds pissed me off thrice. and i cried A LOT. i'd really like to pretend that night never existed. to make things worse i sorta repeated it this past friday. id also like to ignore that it ever happened. socially, this year hasnt been going well. maybe i need to just spend more time alone instead of trying to go out.

school started thursday. (Yay! -not) I dont like the oconee campus at all. the other campus had older people, and people who CHOSE to go there. this campus is just packed full of UGA rejects. it's annoying how retarded people are. you know how there's always that kid in the class who wants to speak up and talk to the teacher ALL the time b/c they think they know everything? well that's annoying enough if they do know what they're talking about, but this semester i've got to deal with stupid people doing it. whoa. also, there are way too many people from high school there. ew ew ew. the classes themselves seem alright though. i thus far like my professors.

things with mark are going really well. there was a while about a month or two ago where i was iffy about our relationship. but now i'm so happy and so glad to be with him. i love him so much and i think he's pretty much the most wonderful person in the world.

on the other hand, i feel like i'm losing a really close friend. i used to call her my best and now that mark's sorta taken that position i feel like we've grown apart. not that i want to but i just dont think she's that into me any more. and it hurts. a whole lot.

yet another reason why i absolutely hate my mom

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 02:20:40 GMT

yeah, the panic attacks havent been going away. they havent been as bad as that one when two weeks ago when i made mark take me to the hospital and then refused to go inside, but they're there. or something is. it might actually be asthma attacks instead. i dont know. but something's up. something's wrong. my chest hurts perpetually which doesnt help keep me from frequently freaking out. i'm not sure if it's my heart or my lungs or just my mind cause i'm crazy. i dont know what to do. i've been trying to wait it out. trying to wait for this be just a phase and pass. but it hasn't. i havent been sleeping well. i'm super depressed. i'm tired of living this way.
so i tried to tell my mom once again that i do seriously need to go see a doctor. i told her about how i'm having trouble breathing and she asks me what's stressing me out. i said they always happen when i'm with mark b/c it was the first thing that popped into my head. i hadnt thought it all the way out and then later realized i've had a few when i wasnt with him. i'm just practically always with him so it seems like he's the trigger. but it's really so many things. november was horrible to me and i'm not gonna blame it all on mark. but mom does. she says i should break up with him b/c i certainly can't quit school or my job, so i should just ditch my boyfriend. and she even said that's exactly what a doctor would tell me so i don't need to go. I'M HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING AND MY MOM SAYS I SHOULD JUST BREAK UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND! i dont want to do that. he means so much to me. yeah, i get frustrated with him, but i'm mainly just frustrated with everything and he's the one who's usually there. if i didn't have him i'd be stuck here, with my mom, and i really seriously doubt that would be a better situation. REALLY. i need to move back to atlanta. i need other friends and other opportunities and less mom. i'm really seriously worried about my health. if i dont see a doctor something's gonna go horribly wrong, i just know it. and i will never fucking forgive her.
i was on my way to get food in between classes when i phoned her and all this happened. instead of getting food i sat in a parking lot crying my eyes out for about 20 minutes.

life's fucking hard, dude. everything's stressful. i'm terribly overwhelmed. and i'm not sure how much longer i can keep pretending to believe everything's gonna be ok.

bonertown

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:32:22 GMT

mark's in jail and my phone broke. my stupid piece-of-shit ass phone broke. it's been fucked up for a while now, but today of all days it had to fuck me over. i was waiting to hear from him, lying in bed next to my phone. the volume was up all the way so if i fell asleep i could be sure i'd still get to talk to him before he went in. but no. he called. THREE TIMES. and my phone just didnt ring. and when i tried to check my voicemail, there was nothing there. no noises whatsoever from my phone. i missed him. my phone made me miss the last opportunity to talk to my honey before he had to go to the big house. i screamed and cried and threw my phone and it broke in half. so i screamed and cried and drove to the verizon store to see if i could check my voicemail there. they let me cause i looked like a wreck. he's only in for one day. but that means he'll prolly have to go on probation, which is expensive and he can't afford. and i'll be at work when he gets out so i can't even go see him. bugger. i'm still going to atlanta, tho. i need to see my kt.
so my phone's dead. i switched it over to an old one. but my family all had the same phone before and i accidentally switched it to my dad's old phone and lost all my contacts (and a few ringtones). it's weird getting used to a different phone. and it sucks plugging in a zillion new contacts. but maybe this one won't die on me all the fucking time. hopefully. and maybe i'll get a new one for xmas.

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 02:39:50 GMT

i had a major panic attack the other night. or at least i think that's what it was. but it was weird cause it lasted several HOURS. my heart kept racing and i couldn't get to sleep. every time i almost calmed myself down and assured myself i was just having a panic attack and i was ok, i would freak again cause what if i was wrong? i was afraid if i stopped thinking so hard about breathing i would just stop breathing all together. and mark fell asleep so i didnt have anyone to look out for me and make sure i was ok. i eventually took half a loritab to make me fall asleep, but i was afraid to since i'd been drinking a couple beers. i'm ok-ish now, but i've felt the potential of another attack a few times since. i'm scared. i need to see a psychiatrist, but my mom says i should just go see the school counselor first. i dont want to. i saw the counselor at tech and they didnt help and actually just made me feel too awkward to seek more help.

so i've also just been kinda down since my "episode." i had been in really awesome moods up until that night. then all of a sudden everything mark did just pissed me off and one time it just went too far. i think i started freaking out b/c i was afraid to tell him i didnt think we were right for each other. it's weird how, well i can't think of a better word for it, but bipolar i can be. sometimes everythings aweomse and wonderful and then the next day i'm pissed at the entire world. i love mark to death but randomly some days i can't fucking stand him. i'm so glad he puts up with me through the bad times b/c when it's good it's soooo good, so beautiful. but i can be such a bitch and when i try to justify it i realize i have no good reason. i dunno what's wrong with me. i just wish i could be happy, crazy, awesome stef all the time. i hate it when i see my mom in me. i hate the idea of turning into her.

i miss atlanta really really badly. and it sucks cause i dont know if i'll ever get to go back. my mom keeps talking about uga in the fall and i dont wanna. i need my kt. lady, i miss you so much.

tears on my steering wheel

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 01:27:37 GMT

got out of spanish way early today and therefore had a 2&1/2 hour break between classes, stuck in gainesville. talked on the phone with jocelyn a while, which was nice b/c i haven't seen or heard much of her in forever. also went to walmart cause it was across the street from my school. wanted to buy the new Pretenders cd but was afraid it'd be edited. they did include this cool organic paper that will sprout seeds if planted. i'll have to go get it elsewhere. i did, however, find these amazing glitter tattoos with fairies and flowers and whatnot. man, i have such an obsession with temporary tattoos.

i'm thinking i want to be a fairy for halloween. maybe. i originally wanted to do something funny, but i've yet to come up with anything. whitney & brandon have the best ideas so far. whitney's gonna be a maxi pad. she's making it out of cardboard, cotton balls, white fishnets, fake blood, and baby doll parts. it'll be hilarious. i'll take pics if i'm not too fucked up. brandon's gonna be a zombie abe lincoln, which is perfect since he's got this beard going on. they wanna do shrooms but i'm not too keen on that idea. we'll see.

i've been way stressed out lately and it's making me bitter and sad. i'm worried about the future b/c it's all so uncertain. i think i'm in really bad health and i keep freaking out when something else goes weird with my body. i'm not looking forward to my gyno appointment in a couple weeks b/c i know something weird's going on down there. pretty scared, actually. oh yeah, and i'm off birth control until my appt. since i couldn't make one any earlier. that's scary too.

my everything hurts. i have mouth sores. fell down drunk this weekend and majorly bruised my leg. whacked myself in the forehead with my car door and it hurts to make any face involving the movement of my eyebrows. my vision's fucked. my lungs hurt. my joints ache. i started working out again, but only twice since i'm stressed for time.

mark's most likely going to jail tomorrow. i thought he went in last week cause he went to court and didn't call until 8:30 that night. turns out he was just out of minutes. he tried to convince them to lower his probation/fines/jail time whatever so they said they'd test his joint again and resume tomorrow. he's only gotta go for 24hrs but i'll miss him and worry about him. i'm worried that he's wrong for me but i couldn't possibly leave him. not now. i care about him too much.

like mother like daughter... ew

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 02:51:30 GMT

i hate how mark makes me see all my own personal flaws. i get mad at him for doing the same things my mom gets mad at me for. but god damn, at least i'm TRYING. the thing that really bugs me is how he makes me act just like my mom. i notice that when i'm with him i have a tendency to mostly talk in a bitching voice even when i'm not really upset or pissed off. i nag him. i give advice when i'm not asked. ughhh. i hate the idea of being like my mom. i need to back the fuck off and let him fuck up his life if he wants to. it doesn't matter now b/c i'm in college and i'm not going anywhere soon. so i should let him figure out what to do on his own. and if he can't, if he's still working at god damn DIAL fucking AMERICA when i graduate college, well, i'm sorry, but i'm moving on.

i hate that i'm such a bitch to him for only being just like me. i really do love him.

never date a poor boy with a prepaid phone!!!

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 00:33:16 GMT

urghhhh! mark frustrates the HELL out of me. he's irresponsible and a poor communicator. i love him. he's a beautiful person and i don't want to leave him. i just wish he'd get his shit together. i'm trying to make plans to go to atlanta tonight and i can't call him to see what he wants to do b/c he's out of minutes and doesn't have the money to get more. that means i have to drive 10 miles in the opposite way of atlanta just to talk to him and figure out if he's coming with. he never tells me what's going on with him. he just pouts and shakes his head. he never makes plans to fix all these things he's upset about but won't tell me about. he just waits for things to happen. and things aren't happening and it's not b/c I'M not trying. i give him ideas about what to do and he just apologizes for not doing it yet and says ok. god damn. i don't want to break up with him but i need to spend less time with him.

i wish i lived in atlanta.

no matter what, tonight i'm going to get drunk with the friends i miss SOOOO MUCH.

what it do

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:19:22 GMT

i miss atlanta real bad. athens is great for the summertime but i hate being stuck here. i hate fucking uga students. they dont respect this town or its people. i need to get out, but it seems i'll have to keep waiting for that to happen. i doubt my mom would pay for me to go to georgia state next year even if i could pull up my gpa. lame.

i miss KT. i miss dancing. i miss my music. i miss my room and my stuff. i miss being able to fit into all my awesome clothes. i miss having all the bed space, pillows, and blankets i want. i've been spending TOO much time at mark's. like ALL my time practically. i still want to see him every day, but i'm gonna cut down on the sleeping over. it's just suffocating. i know i did it to myself, but if i keep it up i'm gonna lose myself again. i forgot how much cool, random, girly crap i have in my room. i miss being surrounded by it.

i've been super unhappy this past week and i couldn't figure out why. now i know it's cause i've been forgetting myself and how awesome i am. but i've figured out how to fix it. for one, stay at my house more often. and two (this is the tricky part) i need to wake up earlier. i have plenty of time i could spend here with my stuff doing whatever i need/want to, but i usually only sleep at my house. it's so hard for me to wake up, tho. i also need to start working out and dieting. i can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe and i've got too many clothes as it is. i MUST fit into my clothes again by christmas. *sigh*

i started cleaning my room yesterday so i can finally enjoy it again. it's clean-ish now but that's b/c i took all the clothes out to wash. i dont know where i'll put them once they're clean. maybe i can go sell them. whitney told me about some thrift store downtown that takes used clothes and gives you money for them, but they're not as picky as plato's closet. that would be cool.

i really really really want to make a trip to atlanta. i just dont know when i'll be able to. what are everyone's halloween plans???

road rage

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 01:24:18 GMT

so, i'm taking two classes this semester. i like that pace. it keeps me moving forward without getting overwhelmed. couldnt get into oconee classes so i have to drive an hour to gainseville every monday and wednesday. driving today sucked a lot. road work, wrecks, and drivers deciding it'd be best to go 10-15 mph UNDER the speed limit. i was late for class. and i nearly gave myself a heart attack yelling at people that couldn't hear me. at least i don't have to go back for 4 days. the school itself is good though. i like the small campus. i like the general attitude i've thus far gathered from the people there. no one's all stuck-up genius asshole rich people who think they're better than everyone. it's humble and comfortable. spanish is fun and slow enough to understand without being boring. my sociology teacher kinda annoys me, but the class will be easy. might not learn much, but i should ace it any way. the classes are small too. i think my biggest class is like 25 ppl. if i can get past my road rage, i think i'll have a good semester.

monumental fail

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:44:23 GMT

summer goals failed. i had two major goals for summer.
one: go to white water. second summer in a row i failed to have a good water park day. will anyone want to go with me in the last week of summer?
two: lose weight and get a tattoo. yeah, instead i went up two pants sizes. friggin annoying. none of my clothes fit. i've been wearing t-shirts and athletic shorts for over a month. it's disgusting. i need to start working out. i need to eat healthier. and i should prolly stop doing so much other stuff that hurts my body.
i'm so fed up with everything. someone needs to take me to white water. for serious.

happiness

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 07:10:00 GMT

i had a beautiful day today. my friends are awesome. sorta crazy, but awesome. i love them. i can't wait until things get settled. i know all my problems will be fixed in the next few months and everything will be ok, but it sucks that it's still out of my reach. at least i have something to look forward to. i guess it's just the way you look at it. you really do make your own reality.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 23:58:41 GMT

my sister's a bitch.

oh snap

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 22:38:33 GMT

my car's check engine light came on a couple days ago. got the oil changed, but that didnt really help. i mean, i needed it done any ways, but we had to take it to get serviced today. turns out two tubes in my engine were broken. the one that was making it idle at stop lights was what made the light come on. the other one was leaking exhaust and there's no telling how long it had been broken. in other words i've been breathing in exhaust every time i got in my car for up 4 years. awesome. i've been slowly killing myself every day. at least i've stopped smoking.

bacon egg & cheese

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 17:51:06 GMT

athens is better. i thought all my friends were mad at me but we just a had a misunderstanding. it's cool. i still wish i could see jocelyn. it'll be a miracle when i finally do.
i kinda want to cut back my hours at work. i'm getting really frustrated with it. it's a stressful environment now, always working understaffed. working alone is either incredibly stressful or incredibly boring or both. i'm pissed off half the time i'm there. maybe i should try to get a different job.
i also am not getting enough sleep cause i'm always working. and my mom yells at me when i sleep all day on my days off. frustrating. after another fight with my mom about my sleep habits and me crying and explaining i can't help it, she's decided to make an appointment for me to see a psychiatrist. hopefully i'll get some wake up pills or at least good advice on how to stay up.
glam rock party in atlanta friday. it was awesome. i love having occasion to dress up. also loved partying at sexyhouse again. got too drunk to remember to take many pics, tho. brought mark and so saturday we went and hung out with his friends in atlanta, ronnie and jen. they were fun.
thinking of moving in with mark when he gets a new place. he has to be out of his house like asap b/c the landlord doesnt want so many ppl. i dont want to live with my parents any more. but it's free here. and there's always food. and it's close to work and will be close to school. but i would love to never have to leave mark's and go "home". i'd love to just be at home with him. i just don't know if i can manage working enough to afford rent and doing school. and i don't think my mom would be so keen to the idea. and he's looking at places close to downtown and i don't want to live there. iunno. we'll see.

i love you all but it's hard to smile

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 03:58:49 GMT

i miss atlanta real bad. not tech, but altanta. i miss kt and lisa. i miss the city. i miss the fast driving. i miss a bunch of things. mostly, i miss being overall drama-free. my friends here often get belligerent drunk and start craziness. i can't deal with it. i love hanging out with mark almost every day, but i miss my old friends from athens. this weekend was my birthday and while i did have a lot of fun on saturday, it was an overall disappointing birthday weekend. i expected so much more out of it. i had the whole weekend off and wanted a drunken awesome night friday and crazy rollin party saturday. but friday was a disaster and saturday i wish i'd have gotten to see more people. no one aside from lisa and the people i saw in person wished me happy birthday. no one. i mean, i know i'm 20 and birthday's aren't a big deal and i'm not really upset, but it was disappointing. i really wanted to see all my friends this weekend, but i didnt get to hang out with peter, kt, or jocelyn. i understand kt doesn't want to make that drive, but peter didn't have to leave so early and jocelyn never called. i guess it's my fault too, tho, cause i didn't make much effort. i need to reconnect with my old friends from athens. not that i want to stop seeing my friends now, but just so i dont go over there ALL the time.

ughh. i've been in a bad mood since thursday. dont know what's up. i'm not actually mad at or upset with any one. i'm just going through one of my phases. i hope it's a short one. and i hope people close to me can deal and forgive instead of disowning me as a person with issues.

arise, chicken, arise

Fri, 23 May 2008 22:45:29 GMT

mark is really awesome. went to another universe on his birthday. it was so much fun.

i'm going to atlanta tonight and i'm so excited! i need more kt in my life.

gas is retardedly expensive.

i love my boss and she loves me back and i'm getting more hours. yay.

checked out a book from work today. i'm hoping to start reading more. i'd also like to start exercising, playing piano, making jewelry, and sleeping less. i want to accomplish things this summer, even if no one notices. i don't want to be so sedentary. i want a fulfilling life. my main goal for the summer is to lose 5-10 pounds and then get a rib panel tattoo. i'm not sure what i want, so i've gotta figure that out. and i'm kinda terrified of how much it'll hurt. so i want something that i could start and if i freak out i don't have to get the whole tattoo and it would still look okay. i dunno. i might chicken out.

my birthday's coming up and i have the whole weekend (6th-8th) off. i want to see everyone!!!

so far so good

Sun, 11 May 2008 17:34:32 GMT

thus far i've been having a groovy summer. i got a whole week off from work and that was nice. went to gulf shores with KT and lisa and got a nice sunburn. it used to hurt pretty badly, but it's faded a good deal. the beach was really nice and i'm glad i went even though i couldnt afford it. i've gotta remember to pay kt back.

also been spending a lot of time with mark. he's really sweet and he makes me laugh and i'm really happy. it'll be awesome when the glenhaven crew moves to their new house cause it's only like 5 min away from his. it's weird to have a boyfriend again, but it's also really nice. i'm hoping i can stay out with him more often and not always have to come home every night. i did friday without really saying i wasn't coming home and my parents weren't really that upset.

i hate doing it cause i hate how my mom's gonna feel like she won, but i'm prolly going back to school in the fall. i don't really want to, but i also know i need to. i got kicked out of tech for grades so the only places i could get into are gainesville and athens tech. i'll prolly go to gainesville, but my major issue is where will i live? my goal for the fall was to get out of my parents' house at any cost. but they won't pay for me to live in an apartment when i could live at home for free. and i can't pay for an apartment and go to school full time. so should i suck it up and live at home or work full time and school part time? it's super frustrating being unsure about my future again. i was so happy when i'd decided for sure i was going to drop out cause i'd just finally made a decision. now i'm stressed out and it's causing tension with the 'rentals. i dont want to even think about it.

so i started work again thursday. it's my first time back at b&n in athens in several months. even tho it's the same job as in atlanta, there are several little differences that i'm having to adjust to. i have more fun in athens, but i honestly think the cafe in atlanta is better run. it's just the little things that could be tweaked to make it better. although, i understand why jodi doesn't do it because it is kind of nit-picky stuff and most of her staff can't even be bothered to remember how to do the basic stuff correctly or bother to show up for all their shifts. i'm counting on that to get more hours, though. i'm only getting 3 shifts a week at less than 20 hrs. i don't want to leave it cause i like it, but i need an additional part time job. one thing that does suck is they've seriously cut hours for the whole store. i have to work by myself a lot and it can be pretty stressful. tonight i'm closing by myself for the first time ever. i hope it doesn't take all freakin night.

Thu, 01 May 2008 04:49:50 GMT

so i'm packing up all my stuff to take home tomorrow. my room looks really bleak and therefore more suitable for tech. oh, i know i've said it a million times, but i hate this place so much. one more day. only one more day. thing is, when i leave here i'm not going to KT and lisa's house or glenhaven. i'm going to my parents' house. and what's worse is my sister's moved back in too. it'll be like middle school all over again. only i'll be more mature and more decisive and SHOULD have more freedom but my mom will still be difficult and my dad and sister will still be annoying. ughhh. not looking forward to it. i hope she lets me stay out sometimes. i'd love to not have to come home every freakin day. but it's free. it's free and it's hopefully the last time i'll ever live with them ever so i should make the most out of it. i need to throw out a bunch of shit out of that room.

i need to figure out for sure what's gonna happen in the fall. i want this summer to be awesome. i really hope i can live in decatur in the fall. my friends in athens are too unstable to live with. i love them, i wish i could party with them all the time. but i see them every week or every other week and every time i try to catch up something new and dramatic has happened. they're all moving out of glenhaven in like a week, but at least they're all still staying together. i just don't know where'd i'd live in the fall if i stayed in athens. it's fun but i think it's too crazy to be a permanent part of. it partly depends on where this current boy thing is going. i guess i'll just have to wait and see. one thing i know is, it's all gonna be ok.

oh, athens

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 20:42:44 GMT

in sum, nicole is back at glenhaven and it's a good thing. she's really chill and she keeps the place more grounded. dusty has a boyfriend and i really like him. he [zach] took his pants off both nights and walked around in his boxers. got to hang out with jenn lee saturday. i havent seen her since the summer and it was really nice. we went to a drag show friday night and then went to the opening night of Blur, the new gay club. both were amazing. i want to enter a drag show over the summer. i think i'm gonna do a dance to "bust a move." yesss. andy has a mutually abusive relationship. she uses him to get over a two-year relationship and he uses her for a ride to work. it's dumb, but now i've learned so is he. mark is really awesome and i miss him.

i think this summer is gonna be fun. i'm gonna try to stay in atlanta til school lets out so i can soak up all the time with these people while i still can. i also really want to go to white water sometime within the next few weeks. maybe right after finals on a weekday since the grade school kids will still have class. yeah? who's with me?

and the third time i was like "whaaaat?"

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 03:52:42 GMT

last week was good. i got people to switch shifts with me and give me more hours. hoping to have a decent check on friday. still poor as fuck tho. the weekend was fun. i'm gonna miss KT (and lisa and peter and emily and all the other regulars of sexyhouse) lots next year. but i'm hoping i'll still get to see them a few times a month. we played spin the bottle and it was fun to say the least. i cant believe we've never thought of it before. amazing. oh yeah, i also went to mjq with kt on wednesday. that shit was tight. i need more dancing in my life.

as much as i'm gonna miss these folk i dont feel i can stay. these people are some of my very best friends, but overall i dont have many friends in atlanta. and all of these people are also coupled up at the time and it makes me feel left out. it's groovy to chill when its just a bunch of random people, but being the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel, especially when it starts getting late, kinda sucks. i cant possibly ask my friends to put their love/sex lives on hold for me. so i'm gonna give them their space and hopefully find someone of my own. i definitely have more chances for that in athens.

although, in athens most of my friends are hooked up too. ALL the girls that come to glenhaven have boyfriends. or at least any of them ive seen more than twice. maybe that's why i get so much lovin. i'm the only available one. ...nahhh, i'm hot shit. but still, even dusty has someone now. it's not that i feel left out and i want someone. i could dig it i guess, but i dont really want a relationship. i just want people to ride the single wave with me. it's lots of fun, but when i'm the only one enjoying my freedom i come out looking like a slut. no fair. maybe i can find someone i really want to date seriously. but i'm not usually about doing anything seriously. its gotta be someone perfect. we have to be best friends AND ferocious lovers. generally speaking the people who love me cant fuck me and the people who fuck me cant love me. there is a great guy im really in to, but im afraid the sex just isnt gonna work out.

overall i'm really looking forward to going to athens though. my old boss called me today to see if i was coming back. she was super excited when i told her i was not only coming back, but i want to work as many hours as she can give me and i'm staying through the year, not just summer. i love her. she's amazing and that's why ive stuck with barnes & noble. we had a pretty long phone convo and she told me i absolutely cant quit college. ive heard that from so many people but for some reason she really hit home. ive gotta figure out what i want to do and get back into school come january. but i also really need a semester off to clear my head, get a new perspective on life, and figure things out. i think this year is gonna be really good. let's just hope my mom doesnt absolutely ruin my summer. speaking of mom, she asked where i was gonna live in the fall when i move out. i was like, "eh, i'm not sure. i'll find a place with roommates." and her response was "you're not planning on moving in with phil and that Black Guy, are you?!" hahaha. silly goose.

i am a little worried about who i'm gonna live with come august. i'm hoping i can convince andy to live with me. otherwise i might be livin with strangers. ive also gotta figure out how to tell my mom ive been hanging out with dusty and whitney. i cant keep giving her bullshit forever.

dream

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 20:36:04 GMT

i just woke from a dream where my mom flipped out when i told her i was dropping out of school. i was hanging out with dusty and andy and some girl in my house when my dad came home. but my dad didnt freak out and instead just chilled with us and joined in on our illegal festivities. but i got this sense that my mom was coming home so i tried to get people to leave and told my dad not to say anything and then all of sudden she comes bursting through the door. she was nice at first. didn't seem to recognize dusty. she likes to play the nice hostess cause she wants to disprove her bitch reputation, so i thought it was all ok. but as my friends are leaving she asks me once again what preparations ive made for school in the fall. i tell her "none, actually i'm dropping out" and she flips her shit. she blamed my friends for being bad influences. she blames me for surrounding myself with bad people. there was a lot of screaming and throwing things and crying.

now i'm really terrified to tell her what i want to do. and i'm somewhat scared to DO what i want to do. i want to believe that i dont care what other people think of me. for the most part i really dont. but its gonna hurt to have all these people i "know" in athens look down on me for choosing this path. there's no way i'll have time to explain myself and my situation and all my feelings while i'm making their extra-diabetes, heart attack frappucino and i cant stand to have someone judge me when they dont know the whole picture. i dont want people thinking they're better than me because they followed society's standards instead of trying to do it their own way. i can't possibly stay in athens for more than a year. i can tell people i'm just taking time off. ugh. i wanna believe it's ok to be poor.